Dear God,
I'm at the end of my rope.
I cant play this tug of war anymore.
I dont want to play this game.
I wont keep trying to win what I've never been good at.
Oh God.
I'm ready and waiting.
I hate the presence of loneliness,
I hate the time spent alone,
and I hate feeling like I'll feel like this forever.
MY GOD!
I'm so tired of trying.
What more do I need to say? to do?
Laid open, here in front of You, what more can I do?
je suis fini.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Whisper My Soul...
There is a tension?
a discord?
an imbalance?
There is a disconnect between
what I can express
and what my soul needs to utter.
No, I cannot
within all of my abilities
convey what my inner most being needs
only to whisper.
So overwhelming, so hard to breathe.
Oh why you'd build your temple in me?
I will move, God take my feet.
Lord, I believe.
Lord, I believe.
Ears to listen, hands to free.
Lord, I believe.
Lord, I believe.
My shoulders here, O come and grieve.
Lord, I believe.
Lord, I believe.
Build your church, start with me.
Lord, I believe.
Lord, I believe.
Humble me. Humble me.
I believe, Lord. I believe.
a discord?
an imbalance?
There is a disconnect between
what I can express
and what my soul needs to utter.
No, I cannot
within all of my abilities
convey what my inner most being needs
only to whisper.
So overwhelming, so hard to breathe.
Oh why you'd build your temple in me?
I will move, God take my feet.
Lord, I believe.
Lord, I believe.
Ears to listen, hands to free.
Lord, I believe.
Lord, I believe.
My shoulders here, O come and grieve.
Lord, I believe.
Lord, I believe.
Build your church, start with me.
Lord, I believe.
Lord, I believe.
Humble me. Humble me.
I believe, Lord. I believe.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Something
There's something in me that tells me that I am strong enough to pull a cover over this.
To look what I am facing in the eye and simply say, "No."
To put it in a box and say, "I don't need to deal with you. Ever. Because you aren't an issue."
To see that pain and hurt and say that it's simply not real, because I refuse to acknowledge it.
To go on, stoic, strong and unaffected, ready to help people deal with their pains and emotions.
It's foolproof.
It's that something that I've used countless times.
It's knowing that it's okay if people aren't there for me, because I've never needed it before.
It's knowing that it's okay to feel alone, because I've gotten through before.
It's knowing that the unbearable weight on my chest will go away eventually because sleep is inevitable.
It's knowing that I don't need to talk about it, because I have no one to listen anyway.
There's something in me that tells me that I am strong enough...
... it's the same something that tells me that strength comes from being detached and alone...
Something is a lie.
It's knowing...
it's knowing that I am not strong enough.
... that hardness sets in.
... facades fade.
... I am weak.
It's knowing that there is a glimmer of hope.
Deut. 316
To look what I am facing in the eye and simply say, "No."
To put it in a box and say, "I don't need to deal with you. Ever. Because you aren't an issue."
To see that pain and hurt and say that it's simply not real, because I refuse to acknowledge it.
To go on, stoic, strong and unaffected, ready to help people deal with their pains and emotions.
It's foolproof.
It's that something that I've used countless times.
It's knowing that it's okay if people aren't there for me, because I've never needed it before.
It's knowing that it's okay to feel alone, because I've gotten through before.
It's knowing that the unbearable weight on my chest will go away eventually because sleep is inevitable.
It's knowing that I don't need to talk about it, because I have no one to listen anyway.
There's something in me that tells me that I am strong enough...
... it's the same something that tells me that strength comes from being detached and alone...
Something is a lie.
It's knowing...
it's knowing that I am not strong enough.
... that hardness sets in.
... facades fade.
... I am weak.
It's knowing that there is a glimmer of hope.
Deut. 316
Saturday, May 22, 2010
longings
Its hard having longings like these -- longings to be elsewhere, longings to have answers, longings for relationships.
How long?
How long, O Lord?
There are so many things that I wish I could talk about with my mom. I want that connection with her so badly, but I know most of those conversations would look like me spilling my heart only to be met with, "uh huh" or "that's interesting" or "if it makes you happy" or worst of all, that quiet smile and nod which means there's really nothing to say other than "I think you're a little crazy".
Then there's a feeling of guilt when I talk to other women -- usually moms of my friends. The guilty feeling that I'm trying to connect more with someone else other than my mom. Would it break my mom's heart to know that? That's how I feel. So I dont usually have those kind of conversations.
And now, now I feel a void.
Now I feel that ache -- not dull and lifeless, but the kind of ache that almost makes my chest too heavy to breathe.
What do I do?
How can I not be jealous that other girls have their moms as best friends and all I long for is to be able to have one real conversation with mine about things that matter?
I feel alone and trapped in my circumstances.
How long, O Lord?
How long?
How long?
How long, O Lord?
There are so many things that I wish I could talk about with my mom. I want that connection with her so badly, but I know most of those conversations would look like me spilling my heart only to be met with, "uh huh" or "that's interesting" or "if it makes you happy" or worst of all, that quiet smile and nod which means there's really nothing to say other than "I think you're a little crazy".
Then there's a feeling of guilt when I talk to other women -- usually moms of my friends. The guilty feeling that I'm trying to connect more with someone else other than my mom. Would it break my mom's heart to know that? That's how I feel. So I dont usually have those kind of conversations.
And now, now I feel a void.
Now I feel that ache -- not dull and lifeless, but the kind of ache that almost makes my chest too heavy to breathe.
What do I do?
How can I not be jealous that other girls have their moms as best friends and all I long for is to be able to have one real conversation with mine about things that matter?
I feel alone and trapped in my circumstances.
How long, O Lord?
How long?
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Deserts and Broken Rubber Boots
'Get out of this town and get away'.
It's easy to walk away from our problems.
Sometimes I walk when I'm upset; to clear my head, relieve my emotions, or to just simply forget why I'm upset in the first place.
I planned on such a walk last night. I put on my rubber boots to combat the sparse few drops of rain, put on a hoodie and decided to walk right out of town. I needed to get out, get away.
Three blocks later, the rain had picked up considerably and it had started to pour.
Armed with soaking wet jeans, a drenched hoodie, and a pair of rubber boots that had a mysterious leak and were too small of a fit, I began to talk to God.
Talk?
Maybe less of a talk and more of sobbing yell.
Why God? Why do things always have to end up like this? Why cant I do things right? Why do I always mess up? Why do I always end up feeling lonely? Why, why, why...
You feel lonely, but you're not alone.
'It took a storm to clear my head'.
After getting out my frustrations, I realized that maybe not all deserts are dry. Mine happened to be in the middle of nowhere in the midst of an insane downpour.
I had forgotten how to listen, how to trust and obey.
God told me that I would have a ride home and that I needed some alone time after He made me various other promises.
As I was nearing Meadow Woods, I thought, great, this was all in my head, I wasn't really hearing God at all. He promised me a ride and I'm in town. No one stops and offers rides to people in town. Well, if I dont get a ride, I'll know that all those promises I heard were just what I wanted to hear.
Then someone pulled over.
Kumar offered me a ride, his phone number (should I be stuck in the rain again) and some money if I needed anything.
'I've seen (heard) the voice of God again'.
God is faithful.
God is true.
God is good.
It's easy to walk away from our problems.
Sometimes I walk when I'm upset; to clear my head, relieve my emotions, or to just simply forget why I'm upset in the first place.
I planned on such a walk last night. I put on my rubber boots to combat the sparse few drops of rain, put on a hoodie and decided to walk right out of town. I needed to get out, get away.
Three blocks later, the rain had picked up considerably and it had started to pour.
Armed with soaking wet jeans, a drenched hoodie, and a pair of rubber boots that had a mysterious leak and were too small of a fit, I began to talk to God.
Talk?
Maybe less of a talk and more of sobbing yell.
Why God? Why do things always have to end up like this? Why cant I do things right? Why do I always mess up? Why do I always end up feeling lonely? Why, why, why...
You feel lonely, but you're not alone.
'It took a storm to clear my head'.
After getting out my frustrations, I realized that maybe not all deserts are dry. Mine happened to be in the middle of nowhere in the midst of an insane downpour.
I had forgotten how to listen, how to trust and obey.
God told me that I would have a ride home and that I needed some alone time after He made me various other promises.
As I was nearing Meadow Woods, I thought, great, this was all in my head, I wasn't really hearing God at all. He promised me a ride and I'm in town. No one stops and offers rides to people in town. Well, if I dont get a ride, I'll know that all those promises I heard were just what I wanted to hear.
Then someone pulled over.
Kumar offered me a ride, his phone number (should I be stuck in the rain again) and some money if I needed anything.
'I've seen (heard) the voice of God again'.
God is faithful.
God is true.
God is good.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Bindings
Sometimes I think I'm bound my misunderstandings.
Sometimes, the things I think that I know for sure end up being things that, to be completely honest, I don't know about at all.
Pride, insecurity, and stubbornness contribute to my "perfect" understanding of circumstances.
Ending up choked by my perceptions of a situation, I would rather suffocate to death than to ask for a clarifying (and often) freeing release of my own preconceived ideas.
Sometimes I think I'm bound by the perceptions of others.
Sometimes the way in which others voice their opinions of me or the way that nothing has to be said at all to speak volumes in my life has had too much say in determining who I am and who I will become.
Struggling to listen to the things that matter and having the wisdom to take into account what I need to grow as a person, all the while discarding things that have no truth in my life has been a balance issue I've almost always faced.
Sometimes the urgency between listening and doing gets mixed up, and eagerly I make wrong mistakes desiring to be rid of decisions.
Bound.
Bound by so many things.
Sometimes this bondage seems unbearable.
O, to grace how great a debtor, daily I’m constrained to be.
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above.
Sometimes, the things I think that I know for sure end up being things that, to be completely honest, I don't know about at all.
Pride, insecurity, and stubbornness contribute to my "perfect" understanding of circumstances.
Ending up choked by my perceptions of a situation, I would rather suffocate to death than to ask for a clarifying (and often) freeing release of my own preconceived ideas.
Sometimes I think I'm bound by the perceptions of others.
Sometimes the way in which others voice their opinions of me or the way that nothing has to be said at all to speak volumes in my life has had too much say in determining who I am and who I will become.
Struggling to listen to the things that matter and having the wisdom to take into account what I need to grow as a person, all the while discarding things that have no truth in my life has been a balance issue I've almost always faced.
Sometimes the urgency between listening and doing gets mixed up, and eagerly I make wrong mistakes desiring to be rid of decisions.
Bound.
Bound by so many things.
Sometimes this bondage seems unbearable.
O, to grace how great a debtor, daily I’m constrained to be.
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
with arms wide open as the sun
what is that i hear?
what is that majestic sound?
tears of miracles and destiny are falling hard on my pillow.
what more is there to fear?
what else can drag me down?
truth as innocent as love can sting worse than the greatest anger.
with arms wide open as the sun
i seek to leap and long to run
you'll catch
we'll fly
oh, oh, oh...
yet--
no no no.
not you, nor i
can i handle this majestic sound?
i wont let you know
when you're around
my heart...
pound, pound, pound
you know my heart.
and still...
come down.
you know who I am...
sinner
noun. pécheur(-eresse) m/f
and still...
come down.
and still...
and still...
and still...
what is that majestic sound?
tears of miracles and destiny are falling hard on my pillow.
what more is there to fear?
what else can drag me down?
truth as innocent as love can sting worse than the greatest anger.
with arms wide open as the sun
i seek to leap and long to run
you'll catch
we'll fly
oh, oh, oh...
yet--
no no no.
not you, nor i
can i handle this majestic sound?
i wont let you know
when you're around
my heart...
pound, pound, pound
you know my heart.
and still...
come down.
you know who I am...
sinner
noun. pécheur(-eresse) m/f
and still...
come down.
and still...
and still...
and still...
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