longings

Its hard having longings like these -- longings to be elsewhere, longings to have answers, longings for relationships.

How long?
How long, O Lord?

There are so many things that I wish I could talk about with my mom. I want that connection with her so badly, but I know most of those conversations would look like me spilling my heart only to be met with, "uh huh" or "that's interesting" or "if it makes you happy" or worst of all, that quiet smile and nod which means there's really nothing to say other than "I think you're a little crazy".


Then there's a feeling of guilt when I talk to other women -- usually moms of my friends. The guilty feeling that I'm trying to connect more with someone else other than my mom. Would it break my mom's heart to know that? That's how I feel. So I dont usually have those kind of conversations.

And now, now I feel a void.
Now I feel that ache -- not dull and lifeless, but the kind of ache that almost makes my chest too heavy to breathe.

What do I do?
How can I not be jealous that other girls have their moms as best friends and all I long for is to be able to have one real conversation with mine about things that matter?
I feel alone and trapped in my circumstances.

How long, O Lord?
How long?