longings

Its hard having longings like these -- longings to be elsewhere, longings to have answers, longings for relationships.

How long?
How long, O Lord?

There are so many things that I wish I could talk about with my mom. I want that connection with her so badly, but I know most of those conversations would look like me spilling my heart only to be met with, "uh huh" or "that's interesting" or "if it makes you happy" or worst of all, that quiet smile and nod which means there's really nothing to say other than "I think you're a little crazy".


Then there's a feeling of guilt when I talk to other women -- usually moms of my friends. The guilty feeling that I'm trying to connect more with someone else other than my mom. Would it break my mom's heart to know that? That's how I feel. So I dont usually have those kind of conversations.

And now, now I feel a void.
Now I feel that ache -- not dull and lifeless, but the kind of ache that almost makes my chest too heavy to breathe.

What do I do?
How can I not be jealous that other girls have their moms as best friends and all I long for is to be able to have one real conversation with mine about things that matter?
I feel alone and trapped in my circumstances.

How long, O Lord?
How long?

Deserts and Broken Rubber Boots

'Get out of this town and get away'.

It's easy to walk away from our problems.

Sometimes I walk when I'm upset; to clear my head, relieve my emotions, or to just simply forget why I'm upset in the first place.

I planned on such a walk last night. I put on my rubber boots to combat the sparse few drops of rain, put on a hoodie and decided to walk right out of town. I needed to get out, get away.





Three blocks later, the rain had picked up considerably and it had started to pour.









Armed with soaking wet jeans, a drenched hoodie, and a pair of rubber boots that had a mysterious leak and were too small of a fit, I began to talk to God.

Talk?
Maybe less of a talk and more of sobbing yell.

Why God? Why do things always have to end up like this? Why cant I do things right? Why do I always mess up? Why do I always end up feeling lonely? Why, why, why...



You feel lonely, but you're not alone.











'It took a storm to clear my head'.

















After getting out my frustrations, I realized that maybe not all deserts are dry. Mine happened to be in the middle of nowhere in the midst of an insane downpour.







I had forgotten how to listen, how to trust and obey.

God told me that I would have a ride home and that I needed some alone time after He made me various other promises.

As I was nearing Meadow Woods, I thought, great, this was all in my head, I wasn't really hearing God at all. He promised me a ride and I'm in town. No one stops and offers rides to people in town. Well, if I dont get a ride, I'll know that all those promises I heard were just what I wanted to hear.

Then someone pulled over.
Kumar offered me a ride, his phone number (should I be stuck in the rain again) and some money if I needed anything.




'I've seen (heard) the voice of God again'.
God is faithful.
God is true.
God is good.