What am I doing here?
No, that's a stupid question.
The truth is, that doesnt even really matter right now.
Okay, here it is. I want to be broken, but I cant handle the pain... no
I dont want to handle the pain
not alone
Gotcha. Not alone.
I know I'm not.
But yes. Yes I am.
Dont tell me I'm not.
If you do, than
you
dont
know
jack.
I've been there.
There. Where it deep down hurts.
Where I'm crying til 4 in the damn morning.
That's what you get.
And what do I do with it? God knows...
... it's beyond me...
But the thing that gets me -- why are other people so calloused?
Doesn't anyone care anymore?
IF we are going to make a difference, shouldn't it start with caring? Loving? Does anyone know what that means anymore?
Love.
Words have lost their meaning.
May 30 2008
Every fifteen seconds or so, when there's no traffic going by -- none close by at all, it's as though the city streets are suspended.
All except for that constant loud and protrubing noise that seems to ever peirce my eardrums.
Some people who live in the city all their lives will never understand what the sound of silence is truly like.
Because in this city, this cities silence anyhow, there is never honest silence.
The sound of silence that I can best describe is a yearly, but also seasonally seasoned occurance back home.
Spring.
You will be greeted with the quiet rustlings of the newly forming leave buds. Beyond that? There is nothing. Only silence.
Summer.
You will find yourself lying on your back with the window wide open, the occasional muskeeto that managed to break through your screen window buzzing off in the corner of your room. The sound of frogs chirping in the near-yet-distant ponds outside of your house are accompanied with the purest sound of silence.
Fall.
You will find yourself reminiscing over spring, yet also find that the rustling has become more bold, as the brilliant and vivid reds and yellows and oranges and greens scamper along the ground, together blending in a magnificent symphony of sweet lullabies. The only other sound to be heard, is silence.
Winter.
This time of year, you will be mainly met with the most bold silence you've ever dared to encounter. Aside from the silence, the occasional cracking of branches may be heard, as the weight of the snow pressures the limbs of the once beautifully decorated maple to become fragile and snap.
Oh silence.
In this city, what could come close to comparing with your soft hushes of sleep?
I shall sleep sound again when I enter your North-most boundaries.
How does that work?
"Well, I can see how it works. There's really only two sides."
Really? There's only two sides?
"Honestly, I'm looking right now. There's one side, and then there's the other side. Two sides. "
Have you considered the third side? Maybe there's an alternative choice.
"Listen God, there's clearly only two visible options. And cant you see that I'm sitting smack in the middle, right on this fence? Trust me, I see both sides. One side, and the other. It's as clear as night and day."
But between night and day, is there not also dusk and dawn?
"Okay, God, no, You're missing the point, You're getting caught up on the logistics of -- look. I can see both sides, and to tell Ya the truth, neither of them look like great options."
Okay, I'm listening. Go on.
"Well, on the one side, it's miserable. It's dark, and I can feel the heaviness and dampness seeping into my bones here. There's tears and pain, and a lot of emotion. God, the emotion on this side of the fence is overwhelming. But You know God, its not a bad place, it just hurts like -- well, You get the picture."
I do.
Please, continue.
"Well okay. Then there's the other side of the fence. God, this side is bright and lively and it's full of smiles, but -- I cant feel anything here God. It's the opposite of the other side. There, I was flooded with emotion, but here, God, there's none at all. I feel numb. No, I choose to be numb. Oh, it's a happy place, but, the richness of "emotion" is lacking here. It's all forced on this side."
I see.
"So, I've decided that I'll try to sit on this fence here in the middle God. This is the only good option You've provided me with. I'm not angry or bitter toward You God. No, I love You so much! That doesn't change. And I love the people that You've put around me God! That doesn't change either. But I feel like a bathtub thats never satisfying. I'm either filled and overflowing with emotions, or I'm shallow and empty God."
I see. And which option do you choose?
"God, I cant! So, I'll sit on the nifty little fence right in between. Its quite the balancing act, but hopefully I can do it Lord."
Well, my child, this is where being God comes in handy. I can see a third option that you've missed.
"What do You mean?"
Well, I didn't intend for you, or anyone for that matter, to sit on the fence. The fence you sit on, well, it is not mine child. I did not intend for a split between the two sides, but alas! It has come to be.
"So You mean, the third option is... no fence at all?"
That's right.
"Wait, but -- no fence?"
No fence. None.
"But how can two opposites come together to be one? The feeling and not feeling? How God?"
And so, I am left praying to God.
I dont have answers.
This is where I'm at.
This is my prayer: finish the story Lord.
Amen.
