It's been a difficult few months.
Illness. Lonliness. Depression. Death.
It's in these recent months that I've truly began to question God's goodness. It's a hard place to be, trying to juggle the tangible depths of pain with the unseen mountains of God's grace and goodness.
How can God be good when He allows our friends and family to fall ill? How is God being good to us when He lets us descend into illness that is debilitating and isolating?
How is God good when we pray that He would send a much needed community to a person's side and yet they stand alone, so sure that they are so alone that they would rather end it all?
How is God good when the sorrows of life seem insurmountable, when the tears can't stop falling and the pain is so strong that you beg He'd take it away?
How good is a God that allows a beautiful, loving, kind young woman to go from living a joyous, impactful life to leaving a void in the lives of everyone who knew her?
Where is the goodness in any of this?
Where is God in all of this?
And that's the thing.
I don't know the answer.
I don't know any of the answers.
And the people who claim to have the answers can hold their tongues. Really, please, hold your tongue. I don't need to hear the scriptures that people always quote in times like these. I know them.
It's okay to be angry.
It's okay to question.
God is bigger than my cuss words and He's bigger than my doubts.
I choose to live in the tension of not knowing and yet trusting that God is good.
Faith.
